1. types of love

“Love” is perhaps one of the most used words in the English language, and its meaning can be very confusing. A man can love his wife, he can love his mother, he can love his friend at work, and he can even love ice cream. But although “love” is the word used in all these cases, it doesn’t really have the same meaning.

When we read the word “love” in the Bible, it can mean slightly different things. In the Greek language, in which the New Testament was written, there are four different words, each with its own meaning, which were all translated into the English word “love.” These different Greek words are phileo (fē-le’-ō), storge (stor-jay), eros (air-ose), and agape (ä-gä pā), and each word captures a specific facet of love.

a. phileo

Phileo is brotherly love. This is why the city of Philadelphia is called the city of brotherly love. The word suggests approval, affection, kindness, fondness and friendship.

This is not to be confused with “agape” love, which is a self-sacrificial love that we will explore later on.

Phileo love is often expressed toward people, but can also be an expression of fondness toward activities, objects, or circumstances. We can phileo (like, enjoy, or be fond of) foods, cars, games, or just about anything else. When we say that we love ice cream, this would be phileo. Examples of this are shown in these Scriptures:

matthew 23:5-7

“Everything [the Pharisees] do is done for people to see: They make their phylacteries wide and the tassels on their garments long; 6 they love the place of honor at banquets and the most important seats in the synagogues; 7 they love to be greeted with respect in the marketplaces and to be called ‘Rabbi’ by others.

luke 20:46

“Beware of the teachers of the law. They like to walk around in flowing robes and love to be greeted with respect in the marketplaces and have the most important seats in the synagogues and the places of honor at banquets.

john 12:25

Anyone who loves their life will lose it, while anyone who hates their life in this world will keep it for eternal life.

In the examples above, “phileo” means to really, really like something. Sadly, as these examples show, it is possible to phileo (like) things that are not beneficial.

phileo love toward other people

When it comes to human relationships, phileo is the type of love shared between close friends and people toward whom we feel warm and affectionate. Perhaps the simplest way to explain “phileo” is that to “phileo” love someone is to like them and have fondness for them.

This is the type of love found in the following Scriptural examples, where “love” was translated from the word “phileo.”

romans 12:10

Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.

john 11:1-3

Now a man named Lazarus was sick. He was from Bethany, the village of Mary and her sister Martha. 2 (This Mary, whose brother Lazarus now lay sick, was the same one who poured perfume on the Lord and wiped his feet with her hair.) 3 So the sisters sent word to Jesus, “Lord, the one you love is sick.”

And later in the same story...

john 11:36

Then the Jews said, “See how he loved him!”

Here are some additional examples of phileo love:

hebrews 13:1

Keep on loving one another as brothers and sisters.

titus 3:15

Everyone with me sends you greetings. Greet those who love us in the faith.
Grace be with you all.

This kind of love–with fondness, affection and close friendship–is exemplified in the friendship between David and Jonathan in First Samuel. Although the Greek word “phileo” is not present (because the Old Testament was written in Hebrew) the Hebrew word for “love” (aheb) in the context of this passage carries a similar meaning:

I samuel 18:1-3

After David had finished talking with Saul, Jonathan became one in spirit with David, and he loved him as himself. 2 From that day Saul kept David with him and did not let him return home to his family. 3 And Jonathan made a covenant with David because he loved him as himself.

This kind of affectionate friendship-style love is certainly common between different people, but it can also exist between God and man:

phileo love between God and man

We know that God’s love for us is a perfect, all-encompassing and self-sacrificial love (agape), as our love for Him should be. But in addition, a very personal, affectionate, friendship type of love (phileo) can exist:

james 2:23

And the scripture was fulfilled that says, “Abraham believed God, and it was credited to him as righteousness,” and he was called God’s friend.

exodus 33:11

The Lord would speak to Moses face to face, as one speaks to a friend. Then Moses would return to the camp, but his young aide Joshua son of Nun did not leave the tent.

proverbs 18:24

One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.

In these three examples, although the words “love” or “phileo” are not present, the concept is clearly described.

Below, we see examples of the phileo love we should have for God, and the phileo love He has for us:

I corinthians 16:22

If anyone does not love the Lord, let that person be cursed! Come, Lord!

revelation 3:19

Those whom I love, I reprove and discipline; therefore be zealous and repent.

What an interesting insight to consider! Jesus says in Revelation 3:19 (above) that those He phileo loves, He reproves and disciplines. Put another way, Jesus reproves and disciplines those He likes, or is fond of, or has affection for!

Similarly in First Corinthians 16:22 (above), we should also phileo love Him with fondness and affection.

This phileo (fond and affectionate) love between man and God is framed within the context of self sacrificial love (agape), which we will explore later. But what an amazing thought that God has fondness and affection for His people!

b. storge

Pronounced “stor-jay,” storge is generally the kind of love shared between family members. Most of us would say that our love for our families is different than our love for those outside of our families. This is “storge” love.

While the word “storge” does not appear in the Greek text of the Bible, the opposite form of the word “Astorgos,” meaning “without natural affection,” appears in these Scriptures:

romans 1:31

...they have no understanding, no fidelity, no love, no mercy.

II timothy 3:1-5

But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. 2 People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, 3 without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, 4 treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God— 5 having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with such people.

Storge is the kind of love that should naturally be present among families.

c. eros

Eros is romantic love, involving physical, sensual intimacy, reserved only for marriage. The term “erotic” is derived from “eros,” though most things that our world describes as “erotic” have nothing to do with love.

While the Greek word “eros” also does not appear in the Bible, it is exemplified at length in Song of Solomon, as these examples show:

song of solomon 1:2-4

Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth—

for your love is more delightful than wine.

Pleasing is the fragrance of your perfumes;

your name is like perfume poured out.

No wonder the young women love you!

Take me away with you—let us hurry!

Let the king bring me into his chambers.

song of solomon 1:15

How beautiful you are, my darling!

Oh, how beautiful!

Your eyes are doves.

song of solomon 2:2

Like a lily among thorns

is my darling among the young women.

song of solomon 2:14

My dove in the clefts of the rock,

in the hiding places on the mountainside,

show me your face,

let me hear your voice;

for your voice is sweet,

and your face is lovely.

song of solomon 4:9-10

You have stolen my heart, my sister, my bride;

you have stolen my heart

with one glance of your eyes,

with one jewel of your necklace.

How delightful is your love , my sister, my bride!

How much more pleasing is your love than wine,

and the fragrance of your perfume

more than any spice!

While Song of Solomon gets pretty steamy, it is a wonderful example of God’s design for marriage. God designed and ordained the passion, attraction, and physical affection between husband and wife as shown in these passages.

As a side note, the term “sister” in verse 9 does not refer to a sibling, but is a customary name for a female lover who has a permanent place of honor. Solomon thought of his bride as both sister and bride, emphasizing her prominent and permanent place of honor in his life.

Because of all this, eros love is reserved for a very specific time and circumstance:

song of solomon 2:7

Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you

by the gazelles and by the does of the field:

Do not arouse or awaken love

until it so desires.

song of solomon 3:5

Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you

by the gazelles and by the does of the field:

Do not arouse or awaken love

until it so desires.

song of solomon 8:4

Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you:

Do not arouse or awaken love

until it so desires.

Clearly, as the entire book of Song of Solomon emphasizes, eros love is very powerful and should not be awakened until it can be applied according to God’s design, which is within marriage:

hebrews 13:4

Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.

galatians 5:19-21

The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; 20 idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions 21 and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.

The term “sexually immoral” in these verses and many others often comes from the Greek words “pornos” or “porneia,” both of which refer to unlawful sexual relations of all kinds outside of marriage.

Clearly, eros love is meant only for married couples. In fact, eros love is commanded between husbands and wives:

I corinthians 7:1-5

Now for the matters you wrote about: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” 2 But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband.

3 The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. 5 Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

As you can see, there are several kinds of love, from phileo to storge to eros. But the next kind of love is of special importance...

d. agape

Agape is a self-sacrificial love that is willing to suffer, even to the point of death, for the good of others. Agape love expects nothing in return. In the following Scriptural examples, “love” is translated from “agape.” This is the kind of love that God has for us:

ephesians 5:1-2

Follow God’s example, therefore, as dearly loved children 2 and walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.

romans 5:8

But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

john 3:16

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

I john 3:1

See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God!

I john 3:16

This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers and sisters.

I john 4:7-8

Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. 8 Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.

Since God loves us with a self-sacrificial, agape love, we are also commanded to love others with agape love. We already saw this in First John 3:16 and 4:7, but consider these examples as well:

john 13:34-35

“A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. 35 By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”

john 15:13

Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.

matthew 22:37-39

Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ 38 This is the first and greatest commandment. 39 And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’

Here, we see that we are to agape love God, and also our neighbors. Husbands are also commanded to agape love their wives:

ephesians 5:25-27

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.

colossians 3:19

Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.

But going further, we’re even supposed to agape love our enemies:

matthew 5:43-46

“You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ 44 But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, 45 that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. 46 If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that?

We are not told here to phileo love our enemies. We aren’t commanded to be fond of them or to approve of them or to have affection for them. But we are commanded to love our enemies in the agape, self-sacrificial sense.

Similarly, while we might not necessarily phileo (like or be fond of) some of our coworkers, we are commanded to agape (self-sacrificially love) them.

As First John 4:8 tells us, God is love (agape). As such, God is right in calling us to live in agape love towards Him and towards everyone else. But with phileo, storge and eros also being kinds of love, we humans can sometimes get the issue confused.

agape and phileo together

In several instances in Scripture, “love” appears multiple times in the same thought, but was translated from different words. Understanding the difference can shed new light on the meanings of the Scriptures, and in our relationships.

john 20:2

So she [Mary] came running to Simon Peter and the other disciple, the one Jesus loved, and said, “They have taken the Lord out of the tomb, and we don’t know where they have put him!”

John was called the disciple whom Jesus “loved.” In most cases, this love was translated from “agape,” but in the verse above, it was translated from “phileo.” Jesus was not only fond of John (phileo), but was also self-sacrificial (agape) toward him.

I thessalonians 4:9

Now about your love [phileo] for one another we do not need to write to you, for you yourselves have been taught by God to love [agape] each other.

Here, the first instance of “love” is phileo love, while the second mention of “love” is agape. As such, this verse could be worded like this:

“Now about your fondness, affection and friendship for one another, we do not need to write you, for you yourselves have been taught by God to self-sacrificially love each other.”

A similar instance is shown in First Peter:

I peter 1:22

Now that you have purified yourselves by obeying the truth so that you have sincere love [phileo] for each other, love [agape] one another deeply, from the heart.

Here again, the “sincere love” in this verse is phileo, while the second “love” in this verse is agape. This verse could be worded this way:

“Now that you have purified yourselves by obeying the truth so that you have sincere friendship, fondness and affections for each other, self-sacrificially love one another deeply, from the heart.”

Perhaps the clearest example of agape and phileo occurring in the same thought is found in the conversation between Jesus and Peter after Christ’s resurrection. Peter had denied Jesus three times when He was arrested, fearing for his own safety. And so, after His resurrection, Jesus had these words for Peter:

john 21:15-17

When they had finished eating, Jesus said to Simon Peter, “Simon son of John, do you love [agape] me more than these?”

“Yes, Lord,” he said, “you know that I love [phileo] you.”

Jesus said, “Feed my lambs.”

16 Again Jesus said, “Simon son of John, do you love [agape] me?”

He answered, “Yes, Lord, you know that I love [phileo] you.”

Jesus said, “Take care of my sheep.”

17 The third time he said to him, “Simon son of John, do you love [phileo] me?”

Peter was hurt because Jesus asked him the third time, “Do you love me?” He said, “Lord, you know all things; you know that I love you.”

Jesus said, “Feed my sheep.

In this exchange between Jesus and Peter, Jesus asked Peter, “do you agape (self-sacrificially love) me?” In answer, Peter said, “sure, Lord, you know that I phileo (have affection for) you!”

Peter was being honest. He had loving affection (phileo) for Jesus, but when the chips were down, he wasn’t prepared to sacrifice his own welfare for Him. He didn’t agape Jesus.

That’s why Jesus repeated His question. He didn’t ask Peter if he had affection (phileo) for Jesus, as nice as it was. Jesus’ question was, “are you willing to lay down your life for me? Do you agape me?”

And this brings us to our point. Agape is the all-encompassing love that we should have for everyone, whether friends, family, our spouse, or even our enemies.

And, in whatever other way we love other people, whether by phileo, storge, or eros, we should always love in an “agape,” self-sacrificial manner.

Peter proved from that point forward that he did truly love (agape) Jesus, with the willingness to sacrifice everything for His Name. But Jesus’ question to Peter is a good question for us: Do we agape?

questions to ponder

Q. Do I self-sacrificially, with no thought of anything in return, agape love God?

Q. Do I agape love my spouse in this way?

Q. Do I agape love my friends?

Q. Do I agape love strangers and even enemies?

2. what love isn’t

Now that we’ve examined the different kinds of love, let’s take a look at some things that are often confused with love, but that are not really love at all.

a. attraction isn’t love

Love at first sight may seem like a romantic idea, but we should examine what this implies. As we’ve discussed, we should agape love everyone, so in that sense, we can love another person upon merely seeing them. But phileo love (liking and having affection) can’t happen just by seeing someone, nor can a Biblical, agape-type of eros love occur. These things require a relationship.

What many people might describe as “love at first sight” is most likely attraction. That is, one person finds something appealing or attractive about another person’s appearance or manner or personality.

Within marriage, it is appropriate for a husband and wife to be attracted to one another, but this attraction is not love in and of itself. Attraction can occur in many ways, very often outside of marriage and without love.

To notice the beauty or attractiveness of another person is not inherently sinful. It is an inevitable fact of being human. To think that a man is handsome, or that a woman is beautiful, or even to find someone’s personality appealing is not sinful, provided that the heart does not desire more.

For example, some women in Scripture are described as being especially beautiful, including these examples:

genesis 25:15-16

Before he had finished praying, Rebekah came out with her jar on her shoulder. She was the daughter of Bethuel son of Milkah, who was the wife of Abraham’s brother Nahor. 16 The woman was very beautiful, a virgin; no man had ever slept with her. She went down to the spring, filled her jar and came up again.

genesis 29:17

Leah had weak eyes, but Rachel had a lovely figure and was beautiful.

I samuel 25:3

His name was Nabal and his wife’s name was Abigail. She was an intelligent and beautiful woman, but her husband was surly and mean in his dealings—he was a Calebite.

II samuel 14:27

Three sons and a daughter were born to Absalom. His daughter’s name was Tamar, and she became a beautiful woman.

I kings 1:3-4

Then they searched throughout Israel for a beautiful young woman and found Abishag, a Shunammite, and brought her to the king. 4 The woman was very beautiful; she took care of the king and waited on him, but the king had no sexual relations with her.

esther 2:7

Mordecai had a cousin named Hadassah, whom he had brought up because she had neither father nor mother. This young woman, who was also known as Esther, had a lovely figure and was beautiful. Mordecai had taken her as his own daughter when her father and mother died.

In all of these instances, the women were specially noted as being beautiful, in some cases going so far as to describe a lovely figure. These accounts require or suggest that a man or men took notice of the beauty of these women at some point. And, in these cases, it does not appear that any sin was present in noting the beauty of these women.

However, this does not mean that we have a green light to gaze upon every beautiful, handsome, or attractive person we see!

To quote Martin Luther, “You cannot keep birds from flying over your head, but you can keep them from building a nest in your hair”

And it is important to keep those “birds” from building a nest in your hair, because our hearts are sinful, and as a result, attraction can quickly turn into something sinful:

james 1:14-15

but each person is tempted when they are dragged away by their own evil desire and enticed. 15 Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.

So, while finding someone attractive is not necessarily sinful, it can quickly turn into lust, which, unless found within the context of marriage, definitely is sinful.

b. lust isn’t love

If a man notices a beautiful woman and finds her “easy on the eyes,” he should be very careful that his observation does not give way to sexual desire. That is, he should not allow it to reach a point of wanting to see more, or wanting to have her!

At this point, his notice of her or his attraction to her becomes a longing for more, which is often followed by action to attain it. This longing and desire for personal gratification is lust.

genesis 12:14-15

When Abram came to Egypt, the Egyptians saw that Sarai was a very beautiful woman. 15 And when Pharaoh’s officials saw her, they praised her to Pharaoh, and she was taken into his palace.

Here, it appears that a number of people, including Pharaoh’s officials, noticed Sarai’s beauty. But what began as simply taking notice of Sarai’s beauty quickly led to her being taken into Pharaoh’s palace, not for the sake of love, but because of men’s lustful desires. Many years later, King David’s greatest sin began in much the same way:

II samuel 11:2-3

One evening David got up from his bed and walked around on the roof of the palace. From the roof he saw a woman bathing. The woman was very beautiful, 3 and David sent someone to find out about her. The man said, “She is Bathsheba, the daughter of Eliam and the wife of Uriah the Hittite.”

Here, as David walked around the roof of his palace, he saw a beautiful woman bathing. It might be understandable that David might have inadvertently caught sight of the woman and recognized her beauty. But David did not stop there. He wanted more of what he had seen.

When David sent someone to find out about the woman, the servant returned with the woman’s name and the fact that she was married.

But sin had already taken root in David’s heart. He did not have Bathsheba’s best interests at heart. He cared nothing for her husband’s welfare. He lusted after a beautiful woman, not content to have just seen her. He selfishly wanted her for his own gratification and pleasure.

II samuel 11:4-5

Then David sent messengers to get her. She came to him, and he slept with her. (Now she was purifying herself from her monthly uncleanness.) Then she went back home. 5 The woman conceived and sent word to David, saying, “I am pregnant.”

David, not caring that Bathsheba was married, and not caring about the difficult position his lust would put Bathsheba in, took her into his palace for his own pleasure.

But it quickly proved to be a costly sin. When Bathsheba became pregnant, David attempted to cover it up by bringing her husband home in the hope that he would think the baby was his. When that didn’t work, David sent Bathsheba’s husband back to the front lines and set him up to be killed.

Finally, when David’s sin came to light through Nathan the prophet, the consequences of David’s selfish lust also claimed the life of the son Bathsheba bore to him (II Samuel chapter 12).

Going further, violence would never again leave David’s family as a result of his sin:

II samuel 12:10

Now, therefore, the sword will never depart from your house, because you despised me and took the wife of Uriah the Hittite to be your own.’

David’s lust had far-reaching consequences, all because he desired what God had not given him. As far as God was concerned, David despised God in his act of self-gratifying lust.

And that’s the difference between love and lust. Unlike love, lust is not self-sacrificial, but selfish. Lust generally desires whatever gratifies the flesh, not what benefits others.

And so, perhaps the simplest distinction between love and lust is this: Love is selfless. Lust is selfish.

questions to ponder

Q. When noticing the physical beauty of another person, do my eyes linger or wander to the point of wanting to see more?

In Scripture, wherever the word “lust” is used, it is in the context of burning with desire for someone or something that is forbidden. Indeed, lust in the Bible does not always describe sexual desire. Many times, “lust” describes a passionate desire for something contrary to what God desires.

Israel often lusted after idols or false gods, or lusted after the idea of being like the nations around them. We can even think of the sin of Adam and Eve as being, in part, an act of lust:

genesis 3:6

When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it.

Here, Eve saw the fruit of the tree and desired it for three reasons. First, it looked good to eat. It would pleasantly fill her belly. Second, it was pleasant-looking. Possessing something of beauty is very gratifying. And third, the fruit carried the prospect of gaining wisdom, as though it would elevate Adam and Eve’s status.

And although God had specifically commanded Adam and Eve not to eat the fruit from this tree, Adam and Eve wanted more than God had given them. So, in an act of lustful self-gratification, they ate the fruit, and the rest is history.

This is why Scripture warns us not to love the world in First John, because all of the forms of sinful lust on which Adam and Eve stumbled are present in this world:

I john 2:15-16

Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, love for the Father is not in them. 16 For everything in the world—the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life—comes not from the Father but from the world.

Here, we are warned not to love (agape) the world. “World” here doesn’t refer to the people in this world (whom we are supposed to love), but rather man’s order and arrangement of this world, which is hostile to God.

Lust of the flesh, lust of the eyes, and the pride of life are all from a world that cares nothing for God.

These are selfish desires that, as Paul wrote, are not consistent with love:

I corinthians 13:5

[love] does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

what about lusting after your own spouse?

While the Bible doesn’t use the word “lust” to describe the natural and appropriate sexual attraction between a husband and wife, the concept is clearly and explicitly described repeatedly in Scripture.

Most dictionaries define “lust” as “strong sexual desire.” Within the context of marriage, it is perfectly appropriate for husbands and wives to lust after or have sexual desire for each other. This, in fact, is God’s design in a loving marriage.

proverbs 5:15-19

Drink water from your own cistern,

running water from your own well.

16 Should your springs overflow in the streets,

your streams of water in the public squares?

17 Let them be yours alone,

never to be shared with strangers.

18 May your fountain be blessed,

and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth.

19 A loving doe, a graceful deer—

may her breasts satisfy you always,

may you ever be intoxicated with her love.

I corinthians 7:2-5

But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband. 3 The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. 5 Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

For further Biblical proof that lust (sexual desire) is appropriate between husband and wife, read Song of Solomon!

But while a man’s lust for his wife (or a wife’s lust for her husband) is appropriate within marriage, this marital lust must be wrapped in love. That is, lust for a spouse must not be only for our own gratification, but for the gratification of our spouse, whom we should selflessly agape love.

While one might seek pleasure from their spouse (lust), they should make certain that they give pleasure to their spouse (agape love).

c. sex isn’t love

This brings us to the topic of sex. We’ve seen that attraction isn’t the same as love, nor is lust the same as love. In the same way, sex is not love.

It’s easy to understand the confusion. We often hear talk about “making love” or having a “lover” when referring to sexual intimacy.

And while a person can love (phileo) the act or physical pleasure of sexual intimacy, we know all too well in our world that sex can be completely devoid of love for the participants.

Sex is devoid of love in prostitution...

proverbs 6:26

For a prostitute can be had for a loaf of bread, but another man’s wife preys on your very life.

And sex is completely without love in cases of rape and abuse. The Bible does include a few accounts of such abusive and sickening sexual situations, which we have no need to include here, as the truth of this is self-evident.

Abusive situations aside, consensual promiscuous sex is also done without love. There may be love (phileo) for the enjoyment of the activity, but not for the people involved:

proverbs 5:3-6

For the lips of the adulterous woman drip honey,

and her speech is smoother than oil;

4 but in the end she is bitter as gall,

sharp as a double-edged sword.

5 Her feet go down to death;

her steps lead straight to the grave.

6 She gives no thought to the way of life;

her paths wander aimlessly, but she does not know it.

In the example above, it is clear that love is not part of the equation, but rather a desire for selfish pleasure. This kind of sex is self-serving, not sacrificial (agape) loving. Again, while there are numerous Biblical examples of this, I will not include them here, as this too is self-evident.

Within the proper context of a loving marriage, sex is not only appropriate, but is in fact commanded:

I corinthians 7:3-5

The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. 5 Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

Even within the context of marriage, however, sex does not amount to love, but is rather meant as one of many expressions of love. Consider how husbands and wives are commanded to love one another in Ephesians chapter five:

ephesians 5:25-33

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— 30 for we are members of his body. 31 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” 32 This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

Here, we see that sex is mentioned as part of a husband’s expression of love to his wife (becoming “one flesh” in verse 31). However, there are greater things involved with marital love. Husbands are told to love their wives as Christ loved the church, meaning that he should give himself up for her. He should seek her best interests and lead her Spiritually.

questions (for married people) to ponder

Q. In my sexual love, am I loving in a giving, selfless, sacrificial sense (agape) as well as in the erotic sense?

Indeed, sex is an expression of love and should be done as an act of giving, sacrificial agape love, but it is not love in and of itself.

3. putting agape into practice

We’ve seen what love is, in its different forms, and what love isn’t. But as we discussed earlier, as disciples of Christ, regardless of whatever other ways in which we might love other people, we should always agape everyone!

This agape love is what is discussed in First Corinthians chapter 13, which shows us not only what agape love is, but also serves as a guide for how to put agape love into practice. Let’s take some time to break this down:

I corinthians 13:1-3

If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.

In these first four verses, the point is strongly made that none of our other actions or sentiments are of true value unless they are done from a self-sacrificial agape love. Unless our actions are done from a heart that seeks no personal gain, that wants only to benefit others, we gain nothing. Odd, isn’t it? If we love for the purpose of gain, we gain nothing! We must do everything in self-sacrificial, agape love.

Now, let’s continue in this passage for a beautiful definition of agape love:

I corinthians 13:4-7

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

This famous passage tells us a great deal about what agape love entails. Let’s break it down:

a. love is patient

Or, as other translations put it, long-suffering. We should be patient with others, whether they are loved ones or strangers. Agape love is meant for everyone, and we should be patient with everyone.

ephesians 4:2

Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.

I thessalonians 5:14

And we urge you, brothers and sisters, warn those who are idle and disruptive, encourage the disheartened, help the weak, be patient with everyone.

b. love is kind

Kindness is about blessing other people and building them up according to what they need.

colossians 3:12

Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.

proverbs 11:16

A kindhearted woman gains honor, but ruthless men gain only wealth.

c. love does not envy

Envy and jealousy are expressions of discontent toward others and toward God. If we are envious toward someone instead of being happy for them, we are not agape loving them.

romans 12:15

Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.

Instead of envying the blessings received by others, rejoice with them!

james 3:14-16

But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth. 15 Such “wisdom” does not come down from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic. 16 For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice.

This kind of envy is sinful and destructive, and is not present in true love.

d. love does not boast

How does it benefit others when we boast about our accomplishments? It’s one thing to be truthful, but it’s quite another thing to be boastful about it. Boasting builds ourselves up, not others. That’s not what agape love is.

jeremiah 9:23-24

This is what the Lord says:

“Let not the wise boast of their wisdom or the strong boast of their strength or the rich boast of their riches, 24 but let the one who boasts boast about this: that they have the understanding to know me, that I am the Lord, who exercises kindness, justice and righteousness on earth, for in these I delight,” declares the Lord.

I corinthians 4:7

For who makes you different from anyone else? What do you have that you did not receive? And if you did receive it, why do you boast as though you did not?

e. love is not proud

Pride is the building up of one’s self. Agape love is selfless. The two cannot go together.

ephesians 4:2

Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.

romans 12:3

For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you.

james 4:6

But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says:

“God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble.”

f. love is not rude (does not dishonor others)

Rudeness can be defined as putting our own desires above others, to the point of being unkind, impolite, discourteous, and generally unpleasant. We can be rude in our actions, stemming from impatience, or in our words, being unkind. Instead, we should build others up and seek their good.

ephesians 4:29

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.

g. love is not self-seeking

Again, we should seek the good of others above our own good. When we seek our own best interests above the best interests of others, we cannot agape love.

romans 12:10

Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.

philippians 2:2-4

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, 4 not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.

matthew 16:24

Then Jesus said to his disciples, “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me.

h. love is not easily angered

As we interact with others, we will sometimes encounter words, actions, or inactions that we don’t like. But we should be careful not to take offense. It is seldom necessary to take offense at another person’s words or actions.

colossians 3:13

Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.

proverbs 14:29

Whoever is patient has great understanding, but one who is quick-tempered displays folly.

i. love keeps no record of wrongs

There is no benefit to re-hashing previous offenses that have already been resolved. If a previous offense hasn’t been resolved, then we must work to resolve it Biblically, and even then, the motive should be for the benefit of others.

I peter 4:7-8

The end of all things is near. Therefore be alert and of sober mind so that you may pray. Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.

colossians 3:13

Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.

j. love does not delight in evil

It may seem juicy or entertaining or humorous to revel in the struggles or failures of other people, but it is not agape loving.

proverbs 24:17-18

Do not gloat when your enemy falls; when they stumble, do not let your heart rejoice, 18 or the Lord will see and disapprove and turn his wrath away from them.

obadiah 1:12

You should not gloat over your brother in the day of his misfortune, nor rejoice over the people of Judah in the day of their destruction, nor boast so much in the day of their trouble.

proverbs 16:28

A perverse person stirs up conflict, and a gossip separates close friends.

k. love rejoices with the truth

This is a most important component of love. Agape love is always based upon truth.

proverbs 27:5-6

Better is open rebuke than hidden love. Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.

ephesians 4:15

Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ.

I john 3:18

Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth.

ephesians 4:25

Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body.

galatians 4:16

Have I now become your enemy by telling you the truth?

This means that our thinking cannot be based upon assumptions that are not known to be true, or upon feelings or emotions. We must give our brothers the benefit of the doubt and not accuse them without evidence. We also must not fail to speak the truth, even if it involves painful correction.

No matter how kind or gentle we may try to be, if our love is not based upon truth, it is not truly loving.

While it is true that Paul defines love as the greatest gift, we must never forget that love is defined by truth. And the truth is defined by God.

l. the commitment to love

Finally, as First Corinthians 13 tells us, love is a commitment:

I corinthians 13:7-8

It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8 Love never fails...

Love always protects, trusts, hopes and perseveres and never fails. This is true because love is not merely a feeling that changes with the weather, the seasons, or other external factors.

God is love, and He is our source of truth. His love is all-encompassing and self-sacrificial. It is perfect agape. So, to repeat First John 3:16:

I john 3:16

This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers and sisters.

So as we phileo love our friends, we should do so in a self-sacrificial agape manner. When we storge love our families, we should do so in an agape way. And when we eros love our spouses, that too should be done self-sacrificially for the benefit of our spouse. Whatever else we do, we should agape, starting with a complete, committed agape love for God:

deuteronomy 6:5

Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength.

matthew 22:37-40

Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ 38 This is the first and greatest commandment. 39 And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ 40 All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”

Our agape love for God is demonstrated and made complete by obedience to Him. Jesus told us that if we loved Him, we would obey Him.

john 14:23-24

Jesus replied, “Anyone who loves me will obey my teaching. My Father will love them, and we will come to them and make our home with them. 24 Anyone who does not love me will not obey my teaching. These words you hear are not my own; they belong to the Father who sent me.

john 15:9-13

“As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. If you keep my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commands and remain in his love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.

Loving God means obeying Him. Our obedience to God is the result and the expression of our love for Him. And as we saw in Matthew 22:39 above, the first thing God asks us to obey Him in is in loving each other, as these Scriptures also remind us:

john 13:34-35

“A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. 35 By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”

I peter 1:22

Now that you have purified yourselves by obeying the truth so that you have sincere love for each other, love one another deeply, from the heart.

Love is not a feeling or an emotion or an action. Those things can all be present in love or serve as expressions of love, but love itself is a promise. It is a commitment, and an act of the will. Few people could ever express this as well as Ruth did:

ruth 1:16-17

But Ruth replied, “Don’t urge me to leave you or to turn back from you. Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God. 17 Where you die I will die, and there I will be buried. May the Lord deal with me, be it ever so severely, if even death separates you and me.”

This is love. It is the promise and the commitment to stick with each other, to seek the good of each other, and to act in the best interests of each other regardless of the cost to ourselves.

What a wonderful thing love is!

4. conclusion

We’ve seen a lot about what love is, what love isn’t, and how to put love into practice. Truly, everything we think and say and do should come from love, because love comes from God. And so, there can be no better way to conclude our study than with the Words of Scripture:

I john 4:7-12

Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. 8 Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. 9 This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. 10 This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. 11 Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. 12 No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.

for additional reference, see these helpful articles from compellingtruth.org:
article on phileo love
article on agape love